A friend of mine suggested that I might comment on what others can do to avoid becoming the victim of a psychopath. The bookstore self-help shelves are overflowing with books imparting relationship advice. I do not claim to be an expert in this field, but feel I do have something to offer to other women as an educated survivor. My advice to other women is first and foremost: Listen to your head AND your heart. If they seem out of sync, it is because something is not right. As I’ve discussed earlier in this book, the women who become victims of psychopaths tend to be very trusting and generous. We want to believe the best in others. But when somebody seems to be “too good to be true”, chances are they ARE too good to be true! I would also counsel women to heed concerns from their close friends and family members. Often, your friends and family are far enough removed to really get the sense of the psychopath’s true nature, because their heart is not trying to override their intuition. I know I had plenty of discussions with my friends and family, all of whom were concerned that I was planning to marry someone I had only known a few short months. Those closest to you are not trying to dissuade you from following your heart because they are jealous or petty. These are the people who have known you and loved you the longest, who only want the best for you. So please, do not ignore their concerns. Use their concern as an opportunity to re-evaluate the relationship, or at least slow it down a little. Remember, the psychopath will claim immediate intimacy, will insist that you are his “soul-mate”. He realizes that the longer you know him, the harder it will be for him to maintain his charade. Before you make any sort of long-term commitment, be wise. Heed your red flags. Ask yourself these types of questions before you move in with someone, or worse, marry them and/or have a child with them:
Do they really love me, or does it seem that they really only want the things I can give to them (money, a home, social status)?
Do I truly admire his personality, or do I constantly have to make excuses for his behavior, either to myself or to others?
Has he ever apologized to me and really meant it? Or did the apology seem contrived, spoken only to smooth things out so he could continue to use me further?
Has he ever treated me with love and sympathy when I was sick or needed his help?
Has he ever shown remorse or true empathy, or other signs of a functioning conscience?
Has he ever abused me physically, emotionally, or verbally?
Have I ever felt that he has conned me, lied to me, cheated or stolen from me?
I would also encourage women to do their research. There are several websites that are available to help warn about potential psychopaths. Womansavers.com can be a valuable resource, with postings from women who have had tragic dating experiences. Datingpsychos.com is another such website. While it can be difficult to separate out the postings that are truly a result of pathologic relationships from those that are posted out of spite, I believe that every woman should do her homework before committing herself to a potentially damaging relationship.
If you feel uncomfortable in your new relationship, there is likely a reason. While we all want to find the perfect mate, just wishing and trusting will not make him so. When a situation makes you uncomfortable, try to understand why. Sandra Brown, in her book “How To Spot a Dangerous Man” describes a woman’s internal alert system as “a cross between womanly intuition, a biological sensory response system, and a spiritually whispered warning”. The most difficult thing for most of us is to figure out why something feels “off”. While you may never truly understand why something makes you feel uneasy or disturbed, learning to recognize and beginning to analyze these sensations rather than justify and overlook them is an important first step in self-protection.
Before you enter into any long-term financial arrangement with someone, it is prudent to get all the facts. You wouldn’t enter into a business deal without covering all of your bases, would you? If it seems as if you are doing all of the spending, and he is continually looking for ways for you to spend your money on him, ask yourself why. Is he in the hole from a previous unsuccessful scam, or habitually under-employed when he finds his next meal ticket? Certainly, consider asking to see his previous tax returns before you even think about marriage. I am now a firm believer in the old adage: “Trust, yet verify”.
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