Trust, yet verify

          A friend of mine suggested that I might comment on what others can do to avoid becoming the victim of a psychopath.  The bookstore self-help shelves are overflowing with books imparting relationship advice.  I do not claim to be an expert in this field, but feel I do have something to offer to other women as an educated survivor.  My advice to other women is first and foremost:  Listen to your head AND your heart.  If they seem out of sync, it is because something is not right. As I’ve discussed earlier in this book, the women who become victims of psychopaths tend to be very trusting and generous.  We want to believe the best in others.  But when somebody seems to be “too good to be true”, chances are they ARE too good to be true!  I would also counsel women to heed concerns from their close friends and family members.  Often, your friends and family are far enough removed to really get the sense of the psychopath’s true nature, because their heart is not trying to override their intuition.  I know I had plenty of discussions with my friends and family, all of whom were concerned that I was planning to marry someone I had only known a few short months.  Those closest to you are not trying to dissuade you from following your heart because they are jealous or petty.  These are the people who have known you and loved you the longest, who only want the best for you.  So please, do not ignore their concerns. Use their concern as an opportunity to re-evaluate the relationship, or at least slow it down a little.  Remember, the psychopath will claim immediate intimacy, will insist that you are his “soul-mate”.  He realizes that the longer you know him, the harder it will be for him to maintain his charade.  Before you make any sort of long-term commitment, be wise.  Heed your red flags.  Ask yourself these types of questions before you move in with someone, or worse, marry them and/or have a child with them:

Do they really love me, or does it seem that they really only want the things I can give to them (money, a home, social status)?

Do I truly admire his personality, or do I constantly have to make excuses for his behavior, either to myself or to others?

Has he ever apologized to me and really meant it?  Or did the apology seem contrived, spoken only to smooth things out so he could continue to use me further?

Has he ever treated me with love and sympathy when I was sick or needed his help?

Has he ever shown remorse or true empathy, or other signs of a functioning conscience?

Has he ever abused me physically, emotionally, or verbally?

Have I ever felt that he has conned me, lied to me, cheated or stolen from me?  

I would also encourage women to do their research.  There are several websites that are available to help warn about potential psychopaths.  Womansavers.com can be a valuable resource, with postings from women who have had tragic dating experiences.  Datingpsychos.com is another such website.  While it can be difficult to separate out the postings that are truly a result of pathologic relationships from those that are posted out of spite, I believe that every woman should do her homework before committing herself to a potentially damaging relationship. 

If you feel uncomfortable in your new relationship, there is likely a reason.  While we all want to find the perfect mate, just wishing and trusting will not make him so.  When a situation makes you uncomfortable, try to understand why.  Sandra Brown, in her book “How To Spot a Dangerous Man” describes a woman’s internal alert system as “a cross between womanly intuition, a biological sensory response system, and a spiritually whispered warning”.  The most difficult thing for most of us is to figure out why something feels “off”.  While you may never truly understand why something makes you feel uneasy or disturbed, learning to recognize and beginning to analyze these sensations rather than justify and overlook them is an important first step in self-protection.              

Before you enter into any long-term financial arrangement with someone, it is prudent to get all the facts.  You wouldn’t enter into a business deal without covering all of your bases, would you?  If it seems as if you are doing all of the spending, and he is continually looking for ways for you to spend your money on him, ask yourself why.  Is he in the hole from a previous unsuccessful scam, or habitually under-employed when he finds his next meal ticket?  Certainly, consider asking to see his previous tax returns before you even think about marriage.  I am now a firm believer in the old adage:  “Trust, yet verify”. 

Alone again, naturally.

I never thought I'd end up alone. As a child, I don't think I ever really thought about it. But as a teenager and a young adult, I think I always pictured myself happily ensconced with my "someone". But now, firmly entrenched in my middle age, closer to fifty than I am to forty, it has really begun to sink in that I truly am alone and likely will remain that way.
It doesn't bother me too much if I keep busy. But certain times, like on a Friday night driving home on a nice evening, I really notice the solitude. I see the couples sitting outdoors having dinner, a date night alone, or with their children. And then I go home to my empty house and write.
What I feel is not the crushing, searing pain that would send you to the emergency room, and it's not even the type of pain that would prompt you to schedule an appointment for a routine check-up. Rather, what I felt was an exquisite pang, a wistful longing for something permanently lost, something perhaps as basic as the need for oxygen. It was a sensation I felt deep in the chest, and which tended to declare itself when I was alone, during moments of relative quiet and introspection.
Everywhere I go people are traveling in pairs, and even those who appear to be alone usually bear the mark of being something more, wearing the universal sign of "two-ness", the wedding ring. And while I don't begrudge them any of their happiness, and know that the marriage behind closed doors is inevitably different than what is presented to the public,I always felt that I would be a member of their particular club. Instead, I have become what I imagine they consider their poor single friend, the one to be issued invitations to otherwise strictly family gatherings, because if not for them, where else would I go?
I was asked out a few weeks ago, by someone who probably is a very nice man (but you can never really be sure, can you?). This man had gone to a lot of trouble to search out my contact information, going through a friend of a friend who knew my friend's brother after we met at a gathering of old MG owners. And while a part of me was flattered that someone would go to so much trouble to ask me out, most of me was petrified. I had a truly visceral reaction to his e-mail. My heart rate quickened and I literally felt my whole being seize up, an almost painful clenching of my gut. And I thought to myself: "I'm not ready to date". And the thing is, I'm not sure I ever will be.

"It's a mental handicap!"

I took a trip West this summer to visit with family. My father and I went to the local mall to see a movie and escape the scorching heat. As we parked, a pair of twenty-something's screeched by us in the parking lot and pulled into the closest handicapped spot. They pulled out the handicapped sticker and placed it on the dash. As a physician, I could see no obvious physical handicap that would require special parking. No wheelchair, no walker, and no, not even a limp. My father is in his 70's and had recently had a knee replacement, and while he would surely qualify for special parking is happy to leave those close spots for those who truly need them. So I was probably a little too loud, as we walked behind these two physically capable young women in expressing my incredulity that they were truly disabled. One of the women, dressed in grunge and peppered with tattoos turned back towards me and loudly exclaimed: "It's a mental disability!"
And perhaps it is. The entitlement, the grandiose sense of self certainly suggests a narcissistic personality disorder or even psychopathy. My ex-husband "Slick" had a handicapped placard that he had charmed some poor unsuspecting female physician into issuing for him. He claimed that he had a shoulder injury, but both as his wife and as a physician I never found him to be in the least physically disabled.
Should those with personality disorders e .g. narcissists and psychopaths qualify for the same treatment afforded to others who legitimately fall under the Americans with Disabilities Act?
I'm all for giving them all their own special parking spots, right in front of the special psychopath colony.  Let them duke it out among themselves over who  is the most entitled.......