SAOL MILIS

I've finally finished the first coat of primer paint for my new gates, and hung my new Arts and Crafts style sign.  What a beautiful day here in the midwest, with temperatures in the 70's, quite unseasonable for November!  I wanted to name my home something inspirational (and "revenge is a dish best eaten when cold" didn't quite fit the bill).  Saol Milis is Gaelic for "sweet life", which I think appropriate for my new beginnings, my life after the sociopath. I have an old friend on facebook who tries every day to find something to be thankful for.  And what better time to count your blessings than the season of Thanksgiving?  I am thankful for my healthy children, my parents, my sister and step-siblings.  My wonderful friends and co-workers and my great job.  And so thankful to be through the aftermath of my divorce. 

Trust, yet verify

          A friend of mine suggested that I might comment on what others can do to avoid becoming the victim of a psychopath.  The bookstore self-help shelves are overflowing with books imparting relationship advice.  I do not claim to be an expert in this field, but feel I do have something to offer to other women as an educated survivor.  My advice to other women is first and foremost:  Listen to your head AND your heart.  If they seem out of sync, it is because something is not right. As I’ve discussed earlier in this book, the women who become victims of psychopaths tend to be very trusting and generous.  We want to believe the best in others.  But when somebody seems to be “too good to be true”, chances are they ARE too good to be true!  I would also counsel women to heed concerns from their close friends and family members.  Often, your friends and family are far enough removed to really get the sense of the psychopath’s true nature, because their heart is not trying to override their intuition.  I know I had plenty of discussions with my friends and family, all of whom were concerned that I was planning to marry someone I had only known a few short months.  Those closest to you are not trying to dissuade you from following your heart because they are jealous or petty.  These are the people who have known you and loved you the longest, who only want the best for you.  So please, do not ignore their concerns. Use their concern as an opportunity to re-evaluate the relationship, or at least slow it down a little.  Remember, the psychopath will claim immediate intimacy, will insist that you are his “soul-mate”.  He realizes that the longer you know him, the harder it will be for him to maintain his charade.  Before you make any sort of long-term commitment, be wise.  Heed your red flags.  Ask yourself these types of questions before you move in with someone, or worse, marry them and/or have a child with them:

Do they really love me, or does it seem that they really only want the things I can give to them (money, a home, social status)?

Do I truly admire his personality, or do I constantly have to make excuses for his behavior, either to myself or to others?

Has he ever apologized to me and really meant it?  Or did the apology seem contrived, spoken only to smooth things out so he could continue to use me further?

Has he ever treated me with love and sympathy when I was sick or needed his help?

Has he ever shown remorse or true empathy, or other signs of a functioning conscience?

Has he ever abused me physically, emotionally, or verbally?

Have I ever felt that he has conned me, lied to me, cheated or stolen from me?  

I would also encourage women to do their research.  There are several websites that are available to help warn about potential psychopaths.  Womansavers.com can be a valuable resource, with postings from women who have had tragic dating experiences.  Datingpsychos.com is another such website.  While it can be difficult to separate out the postings that are truly a result of pathologic relationships from those that are posted out of spite, I believe that every woman should do her homework before committing herself to a potentially damaging relationship. 

If you feel uncomfortable in your new relationship, there is likely a reason.  While we all want to find the perfect mate, just wishing and trusting will not make him so.  When a situation makes you uncomfortable, try to understand why.  Sandra Brown, in her book “How To Spot a Dangerous Man” describes a woman’s internal alert system as “a cross between womanly intuition, a biological sensory response system, and a spiritually whispered warning”.  The most difficult thing for most of us is to figure out why something feels “off”.  While you may never truly understand why something makes you feel uneasy or disturbed, learning to recognize and beginning to analyze these sensations rather than justify and overlook them is an important first step in self-protection.              

Before you enter into any long-term financial arrangement with someone, it is prudent to get all the facts.  You wouldn’t enter into a business deal without covering all of your bases, would you?  If it seems as if you are doing all of the spending, and he is continually looking for ways for you to spend your money on him, ask yourself why.  Is he in the hole from a previous unsuccessful scam, or habitually under-employed when he finds his next meal ticket?  Certainly, consider asking to see his previous tax returns before you even think about marriage.  I am now a firm believer in the old adage:  “Trust, yet verify”. 

"It's a mental handicap!"

I took a trip West this summer to visit with family. My father and I went to the local mall to see a movie and escape the scorching heat. As we parked, a pair of twenty-something's screeched by us in the parking lot and pulled into the closest handicapped spot. They pulled out the handicapped sticker and placed it on the dash. As a physician, I could see no obvious physical handicap that would require special parking. No wheelchair, no walker, and no, not even a limp. My father is in his 70's and had recently had a knee replacement, and while he would surely qualify for special parking is happy to leave those close spots for those who truly need them. So I was probably a little too loud, as we walked behind these two physically capable young women in expressing my incredulity that they were truly disabled. One of the women, dressed in grunge and peppered with tattoos turned back towards me and loudly exclaimed: "It's a mental disability!"
And perhaps it is. The entitlement, the grandiose sense of self certainly suggests a narcissistic personality disorder or even psychopathy. My ex-husband "Slick" had a handicapped placard that he had charmed some poor unsuspecting female physician into issuing for him. He claimed that he had a shoulder injury, but both as his wife and as a physician I never found him to be in the least physically disabled.
Should those with personality disorders e .g. narcissists and psychopaths qualify for the same treatment afforded to others who legitimately fall under the Americans with Disabilities Act?
I'm all for giving them all their own special parking spots, right in front of the special psychopath colony.  Let them duke it out among themselves over who  is the most entitled.......

Sympathy for the Devil?

Having performed extensive personal research on psychopathy (sociopathy, anti-social disorder), I am convinced that there is at least some genetic predilection to psychopathy.  While no one knows for certain, it is probable that psychopathy is multifactorial.  Studies have demonstrated that approximately 20% of a psychopath's first-degree relatives are also anti-social.  There is also a high association with alcoholism in families of psychopaths.  Because the home life of families with anti-social parents is often dysfunctional, it is difficult to separate out the influence of inherited predisposition from the influence of a dysfunctional home.  There is a clear demonstrable tendency to alcoholism and/or illicit drug use in sociopathy.  As many as 75% of sociopaths have early and persistent dependency on alcohol, and up to 50% demonstrate abuse of other substances.  "This exacerbates other symptoms associated with ASP (anti-social personality disorder), often bringing out the worst in an individual's behavior" (Please read Bad Boys, Bad Men: Confronting Antisocial Personality Disorder. Donald W. Black, M.D., C. Lindon Larson. New York, Oxford University Press, 1999 for more information).

Understanding that, should I feel sympathy/ empathy for those afflicted by psychopathy?  After all, I am certainly able to feel sympathy for those suffering from inherited disorders such as cystic fibrosis and Lou Gehrig’s disease.  These individuals did not ask for, nor do they deserve to lead lives of pain and disability.  However, the important difference is that those people suffering from genetic disorders such as cystic fibrosis do not consciously and willfully set out to hurt and destroy those who love them.  The psychopath is unable to do anything but.  The psychopath views those who care for him not as people to treat with love and respect, but only as a means to an end.  He will put on a convincing act around his alleged friends and loved ones, pretending to care, but when the usefulness of the relationship has waned (from his point of view) will seek new relationships that meet whatever needs he believes are currently being unmet.  But the psychopath will not terminate the current relationship without leaving a scar upon those he has left behind.  Their victims are left emotionally, and often physically and financially devastated in the wake of the psychopath.

In the aftermath of “Psychopath Adrian”, I am disinclined to feel any sympathy for these particular devils.  These individuals are in aggregate a pervasive societal problem, causing destruction to nearly all whom they encounter.  I do not have a solution.  Personally, I would like to see the psychopaths all sequestered together, much like lepers were housed together in leper colonies.  Then, the only people in their sick and manipulative paths would be other sociopaths.  Certainly there is some precedent, as people with other mental disorders who have proven themselves to be dangerous to themselves or society in general are institutionalized for the greater good of society.  I realize, however, this creates a slippery slope.  Who decides criteria for inclusion into the sociopath colony?  What is the margin of error, and what would happen if a non-sociopath was erroneously sequestered, an innocent person thrown in a pit of tigers?  I know that my view is extreme, but I believe other victims will at least understand, if not agree.    Perhaps public education will be enough.  Perhaps the more the general population knows about sociopathy, the better they will be able to avoid being targeted.  Sandra Brown's Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Donna Andersen's Love Fraud are great resources, but because psychopathy is so prevalent, more people need to be involved.  Forewarned is forearmed.

Plundered my Soul

I'm finally able to sleep under the covers. For the longest time after my marriage fell apart,  I couldn't. I huddled on top of my comforter, with a throw blanket on top to keep me warm. When I would try to fall asleep between the sheets, I would inevitably have flashbacks of my encounters with the psychopath, and would lie awake re-living my nightmare. If I did finally fall asleep under the covers, I did not sleep well, but instead would have a restless night peppered with nightmares.So I learned not to pull back the covers.On the plus side,it saved time making my bed in the morning.

The psychopath is a consummate thief. Having no soul of his own, he does his utmost to rob others of theirs. But unlike the obvious pillaging of say, a pirate or the Huns, the psychopath uses subtlety, stealth and subterfuge. My own personal psychopath was smooth and insidious. He took little pieces of me without me really realizing that they were missing at first.

And when his mask finally came off, he stole my confidence and part of my sense of self. I feared for my career, my safety, and my sanity. But it turned out he only briefly borrowed those parts of me. Similar to Lord Voldemort feasting on the blood of unicorns as a desperate effort to sustain himself, the psychopath's theft is only a short-term fix. And unless he is stopped, he will continue to suck others dry in his quest for unattainable fulfillment.

Victim or Survivor?

Am I a victim, or a survivor?  A life coach that I consulted briefly during my attempts at recovery from my encounter with a psychopath tried to convince me that there are no victims.  "Even the person killed in a random drive-by shooting? How about all those killed by the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center?" 
"They were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time" she replied.
This seemed to be an argument based on semantics.  Victim versus wrong place, wrong time; the end result is that a person is wronged, treated unfairly, and undeservedly so. 
I believe the term used to refer to the victim of a psychopath ultimately hinges upon how that person views herself.  Immediately following my own personal encounter with the psychopath, I was a victim.  I was emotionally, physically and financially traumatized.  During the healing process, however,  I became stronger, stronger even than I was before I met "Adrian".  It is the act of reaching within oneself, the response to the devastation that ultimately determines who you become.  I no longer possess the guileless trust of Pollyanna.  My personal motto is now "Trust, yet verify".  I know I am so much more now than I was before I met the man who changed my life forever (and not in a good way).  Do I miss the trusting, innocent person that I was?  Oh, yes.  But given the fact that an estimated four percent of the population is a psychopath with no sense of right or wrong, chances are that I would have eventually run afoul of another man just as evil, because that is what evil does.  It seeks out that which it can initially control and manipulate, and ultimately destroy.

So, I am a survivor.  And I am his worst nightmare.  I am a survivor with intelligence and resources, and a mission:  to put him behind bars using whatever legal means are available to me, and to warn other women of the dangers of psychopathy before they themselves are chosen to be a victim by another as evil as the one who targeted and tried to destroy me.