One year later

Today is the first anniversary of my divorce.  Surviving that is indeed a milestone to celebrate.  But rather than dwell on the past, I'm looking forward to the future.
One year ago I was a mess.  I cried at the drop of a hat, had terrible insomnia and emotional lability.  I could not even contemplate facing the spath without a beta-blocker and an anxiolytic.  I was numb for the entire negotiation (or more appropriately, extortion) process. 
I know I've come a long way.  I am healthier and happier than I've been in a long time.  I finished a 60,000 word book.  I finally sold my second house which has been hanging for three long years like a millstone around my neck (yesterday!), and am remodeling to make my kitchen into my dream kitchen.
Exactly 51 weeks ago, I spent a good part of an afternoon with members of a certain government agency armed with documents garnered during the divorce.  I don't know if they'll be able to put him in jail, but certainly there will be penalties paid, and he'll know that he hasn't gotten away with everything that he believes he has. I have exercised my constitutional rights and bought a firearm.
I have paid a quarter of a million dollars in tuition to the University of Hard Knocks and earned a doctorate in Difficult Life Experiences.  I am smarter and wiser now for my tribulations.  I will no longer be a patsy. 
My two boys are turning into wonderful young men.  I am so proud of both of them!  I have a wonderful circle of friends who have been so willing to give me support and love.  And while we're busier than ever at work (job security), I still look forward to interacting with my colleagues and patients every day.  I have so much to be thankful for.......

It's going to be a GREAT year!!!

What I've learned

The new year always brings an opportunity to reflect.  With another birthday upon me, I began to muse on what I've learned in my almost half-century upon the earth:

1.  There really are very few absolutes.
2.  There are some really good people out there.
3.  There are some really evil people out there.
4.  I have so much to be thankful for.
5.  If something doesn't kill you, it will make you stronger.
6.  I may never again fit into those clothes in my closet.
7.  No one is more loyal to you than your dog.
8.  You really do get smarter as your children get older!
9.  Things are just that.....things.  It is your loved ones that make all the difference.
10.  Don't take your good health for granted.  Every day is a gift.
11.  No matter how often I try, I will never like mustard.
12.  My favorite destination (so far) is Greece!
13.  I will never learn everything that I want to learn.
14.  I don't like yard work.
15.  I really like my job.  I don't think most people can say that.
16.  It's really a lot of work to get a book published.
17.  Embarrassing as it is, I usually prefer to read fluff over literary masterpieces.
18.  I read cookbooks for fun.  It doesn't matter if I'll never make anything from that particular book, I just like to read cookbooks.
19.  Note to grumpy people:  You really can catch more flies with honey than vinegar!
20.  I fervently hope that the "Just World" hypothesis and karma really do exist.

SAOL MILIS

I've finally finished the first coat of primer paint for my new gates, and hung my new Arts and Crafts style sign.  What a beautiful day here in the midwest, with temperatures in the 70's, quite unseasonable for November!  I wanted to name my home something inspirational (and "revenge is a dish best eaten when cold" didn't quite fit the bill).  Saol Milis is Gaelic for "sweet life", which I think appropriate for my new beginnings, my life after the sociopath. I have an old friend on facebook who tries every day to find something to be thankful for.  And what better time to count your blessings than the season of Thanksgiving?  I am thankful for my healthy children, my parents, my sister and step-siblings.  My wonderful friends and co-workers and my great job.  And so thankful to be through the aftermath of my divorce. 

Trust, yet verify

          A friend of mine suggested that I might comment on what others can do to avoid becoming the victim of a psychopath.  The bookstore self-help shelves are overflowing with books imparting relationship advice.  I do not claim to be an expert in this field, but feel I do have something to offer to other women as an educated survivor.  My advice to other women is first and foremost:  Listen to your head AND your heart.  If they seem out of sync, it is because something is not right. As I’ve discussed earlier in this book, the women who become victims of psychopaths tend to be very trusting and generous.  We want to believe the best in others.  But when somebody seems to be “too good to be true”, chances are they ARE too good to be true!  I would also counsel women to heed concerns from their close friends and family members.  Often, your friends and family are far enough removed to really get the sense of the psychopath’s true nature, because their heart is not trying to override their intuition.  I know I had plenty of discussions with my friends and family, all of whom were concerned that I was planning to marry someone I had only known a few short months.  Those closest to you are not trying to dissuade you from following your heart because they are jealous or petty.  These are the people who have known you and loved you the longest, who only want the best for you.  So please, do not ignore their concerns. Use their concern as an opportunity to re-evaluate the relationship, or at least slow it down a little.  Remember, the psychopath will claim immediate intimacy, will insist that you are his “soul-mate”.  He realizes that the longer you know him, the harder it will be for him to maintain his charade.  Before you make any sort of long-term commitment, be wise.  Heed your red flags.  Ask yourself these types of questions before you move in with someone, or worse, marry them and/or have a child with them:

Do they really love me, or does it seem that they really only want the things I can give to them (money, a home, social status)?

Do I truly admire his personality, or do I constantly have to make excuses for his behavior, either to myself or to others?

Has he ever apologized to me and really meant it?  Or did the apology seem contrived, spoken only to smooth things out so he could continue to use me further?

Has he ever treated me with love and sympathy when I was sick or needed his help?

Has he ever shown remorse or true empathy, or other signs of a functioning conscience?

Has he ever abused me physically, emotionally, or verbally?

Have I ever felt that he has conned me, lied to me, cheated or stolen from me?  

I would also encourage women to do their research.  There are several websites that are available to help warn about potential psychopaths.  Womansavers.com can be a valuable resource, with postings from women who have had tragic dating experiences.  Datingpsychos.com is another such website.  While it can be difficult to separate out the postings that are truly a result of pathologic relationships from those that are posted out of spite, I believe that every woman should do her homework before committing herself to a potentially damaging relationship. 

If you feel uncomfortable in your new relationship, there is likely a reason.  While we all want to find the perfect mate, just wishing and trusting will not make him so.  When a situation makes you uncomfortable, try to understand why.  Sandra Brown, in her book “How To Spot a Dangerous Man” describes a woman’s internal alert system as “a cross between womanly intuition, a biological sensory response system, and a spiritually whispered warning”.  The most difficult thing for most of us is to figure out why something feels “off”.  While you may never truly understand why something makes you feel uneasy or disturbed, learning to recognize and beginning to analyze these sensations rather than justify and overlook them is an important first step in self-protection.              

Before you enter into any long-term financial arrangement with someone, it is prudent to get all the facts.  You wouldn’t enter into a business deal without covering all of your bases, would you?  If it seems as if you are doing all of the spending, and he is continually looking for ways for you to spend your money on him, ask yourself why.  Is he in the hole from a previous unsuccessful scam, or habitually under-employed when he finds his next meal ticket?  Certainly, consider asking to see his previous tax returns before you even think about marriage.  I am now a firm believer in the old adage:  “Trust, yet verify”. 

Alone again, naturally.

I never thought I'd end up alone. As a child, I don't think I ever really thought about it. But as a teenager and a young adult, I think I always pictured myself happily ensconced with my "someone". But now, firmly entrenched in my middle age, closer to fifty than I am to forty, it has really begun to sink in that I truly am alone and likely will remain that way.
It doesn't bother me too much if I keep busy. But certain times, like on a Friday night driving home on a nice evening, I really notice the solitude. I see the couples sitting outdoors having dinner, a date night alone, or with their children. And then I go home to my empty house and write.
What I feel is not the crushing, searing pain that would send you to the emergency room, and it's not even the type of pain that would prompt you to schedule an appointment for a routine check-up. Rather, what I felt was an exquisite pang, a wistful longing for something permanently lost, something perhaps as basic as the need for oxygen. It was a sensation I felt deep in the chest, and which tended to declare itself when I was alone, during moments of relative quiet and introspection.
Everywhere I go people are traveling in pairs, and even those who appear to be alone usually bear the mark of being something more, wearing the universal sign of "two-ness", the wedding ring. And while I don't begrudge them any of their happiness, and know that the marriage behind closed doors is inevitably different than what is presented to the public,I always felt that I would be a member of their particular club. Instead, I have become what I imagine they consider their poor single friend, the one to be issued invitations to otherwise strictly family gatherings, because if not for them, where else would I go?
I was asked out a few weeks ago, by someone who probably is a very nice man (but you can never really be sure, can you?). This man had gone to a lot of trouble to search out my contact information, going through a friend of a friend who knew my friend's brother after we met at a gathering of old MG owners. And while a part of me was flattered that someone would go to so much trouble to ask me out, most of me was petrified. I had a truly visceral reaction to his e-mail. My heart rate quickened and I literally felt my whole being seize up, an almost painful clenching of my gut. And I thought to myself: "I'm not ready to date". And the thing is, I'm not sure I ever will be.

"It's a mental handicap!"

I took a trip West this summer to visit with family. My father and I went to the local mall to see a movie and escape the scorching heat. As we parked, a pair of twenty-something's screeched by us in the parking lot and pulled into the closest handicapped spot. They pulled out the handicapped sticker and placed it on the dash. As a physician, I could see no obvious physical handicap that would require special parking. No wheelchair, no walker, and no, not even a limp. My father is in his 70's and had recently had a knee replacement, and while he would surely qualify for special parking is happy to leave those close spots for those who truly need them. So I was probably a little too loud, as we walked behind these two physically capable young women in expressing my incredulity that they were truly disabled. One of the women, dressed in grunge and peppered with tattoos turned back towards me and loudly exclaimed: "It's a mental disability!"
And perhaps it is. The entitlement, the grandiose sense of self certainly suggests a narcissistic personality disorder or even psychopathy. My ex-husband "Slick" had a handicapped placard that he had charmed some poor unsuspecting female physician into issuing for him. He claimed that he had a shoulder injury, but both as his wife and as a physician I never found him to be in the least physically disabled.
Should those with personality disorders e .g. narcissists and psychopaths qualify for the same treatment afforded to others who legitimately fall under the Americans with Disabilities Act?
I'm all for giving them all their own special parking spots, right in front of the special psychopath colony.  Let them duke it out among themselves over who  is the most entitled.......

Sympathy for the Devil?

Having performed extensive personal research on psychopathy (sociopathy, anti-social disorder), I am convinced that there is at least some genetic predilection to psychopathy.  While no one knows for certain, it is probable that psychopathy is multifactorial.  Studies have demonstrated that approximately 20% of a psychopath's first-degree relatives are also anti-social.  There is also a high association with alcoholism in families of psychopaths.  Because the home life of families with anti-social parents is often dysfunctional, it is difficult to separate out the influence of inherited predisposition from the influence of a dysfunctional home.  There is a clear demonstrable tendency to alcoholism and/or illicit drug use in sociopathy.  As many as 75% of sociopaths have early and persistent dependency on alcohol, and up to 50% demonstrate abuse of other substances.  "This exacerbates other symptoms associated with ASP (anti-social personality disorder), often bringing out the worst in an individual's behavior" (Please read Bad Boys, Bad Men: Confronting Antisocial Personality Disorder. Donald W. Black, M.D., C. Lindon Larson. New York, Oxford University Press, 1999 for more information).

Understanding that, should I feel sympathy/ empathy for those afflicted by psychopathy?  After all, I am certainly able to feel sympathy for those suffering from inherited disorders such as cystic fibrosis and Lou Gehrig’s disease.  These individuals did not ask for, nor do they deserve to lead lives of pain and disability.  However, the important difference is that those people suffering from genetic disorders such as cystic fibrosis do not consciously and willfully set out to hurt and destroy those who love them.  The psychopath is unable to do anything but.  The psychopath views those who care for him not as people to treat with love and respect, but only as a means to an end.  He will put on a convincing act around his alleged friends and loved ones, pretending to care, but when the usefulness of the relationship has waned (from his point of view) will seek new relationships that meet whatever needs he believes are currently being unmet.  But the psychopath will not terminate the current relationship without leaving a scar upon those he has left behind.  Their victims are left emotionally, and often physically and financially devastated in the wake of the psychopath.

In the aftermath of “Psychopath Adrian”, I am disinclined to feel any sympathy for these particular devils.  These individuals are in aggregate a pervasive societal problem, causing destruction to nearly all whom they encounter.  I do not have a solution.  Personally, I would like to see the psychopaths all sequestered together, much like lepers were housed together in leper colonies.  Then, the only people in their sick and manipulative paths would be other sociopaths.  Certainly there is some precedent, as people with other mental disorders who have proven themselves to be dangerous to themselves or society in general are institutionalized for the greater good of society.  I realize, however, this creates a slippery slope.  Who decides criteria for inclusion into the sociopath colony?  What is the margin of error, and what would happen if a non-sociopath was erroneously sequestered, an innocent person thrown in a pit of tigers?  I know that my view is extreme, but I believe other victims will at least understand, if not agree.    Perhaps public education will be enough.  Perhaps the more the general population knows about sociopathy, the better they will be able to avoid being targeted.  Sandra Brown's Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Donna Andersen's Love Fraud are great resources, but because psychopathy is so prevalent, more people need to be involved.  Forewarned is forearmed.